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How to work on anxious attachment styles

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Embracing Secure Connections: A Compassionate Journey to Overcoming Anxious Attachment

If you're reading this, chances are you've felt the weight of anxious attachment in your relationships. You're not alone. Anxious attachment can feel like a relentless storm, clouding your connections with fear and uncertainty. But take heart; within you lies the capacity for change, growth, and the cultivation of secure, fulfilling relationships.

Understanding Anxious Attachment:

Firstly, let's explore what anxious attachment entails. It often stems from early experiences where caregivers were inconsistent or unresponsive to our needs. This can easily happen with many new parents who might accidentally find themselves preoccupied with work, another child or problems in their marriage while they struggle to find the balance of being new parents. Unfortunately, for the child, this creates a feeling or perceived abandonment and fosters a fear of future abandonment. This child might grow up having an insatiable desire for reassurance and closeness. But remember, your attachment style is not a life sentence. It's a pattern that can be reshaped with intention and self-compassion.

  1. Cultivating Self-Compassion:

The journey to overcoming anxious attachment begins with compassion for yourself. Acknowledge that your attachment style developed as a survival mechanism, a response to past experiences. Be gentle with yourself; healing takes time and patience. Practice self-compassion daily, through affirmations, mindfulness, or journaling. Treat yourself as you would a cherished friend, with kindness and understanding.

2. Identifying Triggers:

Awareness is key to transformation. Begin by identifying your triggers – situations or behaviors that ignite your anxious attachment. Notice the patterns; when do you feel most vulnerable? Is it during times of uncertainty or when expressing your needs? By shining a light on these triggers, you empower yourself to respond consciously rather than reactively.

3. Self-Soothing:

Once you've identified your anxious attachment triggers, it's crucial to cultivate self-soothing practices to navigate these moments with grace and resilience. Self-soothing involves turning inward to comfort and regulate your emotions, empowering you to respond to triggers from a place of calm and clarity. Find what works best for you; it could be deep breathing exercises, meditation, grounding techniques, or engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Create a personalized toolkit of self-soothing strategies that you can turn to whenever you feel overwhelmed by anxious thoughts and emotions. Self-soothing is a testament to your strength and capacity for self-care. By nurturing your inner compass, you cultivate the resilience needed to navigate the complexities of anxious attachment with grace and compassion.

4. Attending to your inner child:

Since our attachment styles develop through early childhood, relational wounds, it's important to attend to your inner child. Our inner child holds the memories, emotions, and unmet needs from those formative years, yearning to be seen, heard, and nurtured. Begin by creating a safe and nurturing space within yourself, where your inner child feels welcomed and accepted without judgment. Practice self-compassion as you explore and acknowledge the emotions and experiences of your inner child. Offer comfort and reassurance to your younger self, affirming their worthiness and inherent value. Engage in activities that evoke joy, playfulness, and creativity, reconnecting with the innocence and wonder of childhood. By attending to your inner child with love and empathy, you embark on a journey of healing and wholeness, reclaiming the power to rewrite your narrative and cultivate secure attachments rooted in love and authenticity. In my one to one Integrative Psychotherapy sessions I draw on imaginative and creative techniques to attend to your inner child. Learn more and Integrative Psych here.

5. Communicating Your Needs:

Effective communication is the cornerstone of secure relationships. Practice expressing your needs openly and assertively, while also respecting the boundaries of others. Remember, vulnerability is not a weakness; it's the foundation of intimacy. Allow yourself to be seen and heard authentically, knowing that your worth is inherent, regardless of others' responses.

In the insightful book "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller, they eloquently illustrate a scenario where an anxious partner longs for reassurance and closeness during a cross-country game. In this scenario, the anxious partner finds comfort in holding hands, a simple yet profound gesture of connection. What this illustrates is that in relationships, both partners play a crucial role in addressing anxious attachment needs. The partner's willingness to offer reassurance and attend to the anxious partner's needs doesn't signify weakness or enablement; rather, it embodies empathy and understanding.

By communicating your needs, you allow your partner the opportunity to recognize and respond to your attachment style with compassion. This helps fosters a sense of security and strengthens the bond between you. So, when you learn your triggers, self-soothe, then communicate your needs and triggers to your partner. Remember that attending to your anxiously attached needs is not only acceptable but an integral part of nurturing a secure and fulfilling relationship.

6. Building Secure Connections:

As you journey towards security, surround yourself with supportive individuals who honor your emotions and validate your experiences. Seek out relationships based on mutual respect, trust, and emotional availability. Remember, you deserve love and belonging just as you are.

7. Embracing Imperfection:

Finally, embrace the beauty of imperfection. Recognize that growth is a messy, nonlinear process. There will be setbacks and moments of doubt, but each step forward brings you closer to the security you seek. Celebrate your progress, however small, and trust in your resilience.

In summary, know that you are worthy of love and belonging, exactly as you are. Your journey to overcoming anxious attachment is a testament to your courage and strength. Embrace the process with an open heart, knowing that transformation is possible and that you are deserving of the deep, fulfilling connections you crave.


I hope this helps guide you on your journey towards secure attachments and fulfilling relationships. Remember, you are capable of change and deserving of love and belonging.


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