Unlearning Old Patterns in Relationships: How Self-Love can Transform your Life

Jan 233 min read

Every behavioral pattern we have in our lives—especially in our relationships—is simply a coping strategy we learned early on. These patterns developed from childhood or teenage experiences as a means to keep us feeling safe, loved, and accepted.

Why We Develop These Patterns

It’s human nature to seek love and acceptance. This need stems from our ancestral roots, where community and connection were essential for survival. Feeling rejected or disconnected in those times could mean life-threatening danger. As a result, we’re wired to do whatever it takes to maintain connection.

The patterns we formed in response to our early experiences weren’t random; they were our best attempts at protecting ourselves. Maybe you learned to people-please to avoid conflict, to withdraw emotionally to protect yourself from criticism, or to seek constant validation to feel secure. These strategies worked when we were younger—but as adults, they often create challenges in our relationships.

There’s Nothing to Be Ashamed Of

It’s important to emphasize that these patterns are not your fault. They’re natural adaptations to your environment and experiences. However, as adults, they can unintentionally cause strain in relationships.

For example, sometimes we become overly dependent on our partners for reassurance, validation, or attention. While it’s natural and healthy for relationships to provide these things, the keyword here is “overly” dependent.

When we rely on our partners as our sole source of emotional security or self-worth, it can create imbalances. It may lead to tension, as the relationship feels more like a lifeline than a partnership.

Shifting the Focus: Meeting Your Own Needs

The key to healthy, secure relationships lies in meeting your own needs first and allowing your partner to enhance your life, rather than define it. Building a strong sense of self is transformative. It gives you a secure base within yourself, reducing reactivity, dependency, and anxious attachment.

Here are some steps to start building that foundation:

1. Reconnect With What Brings You Joy

Spend time reflecting on what makes you happy as an individual. Often, we lose sight of our passions when we become overly focused on others. Ask yourself:

What do I love spending time doing?
What activities can I do alone that bring me joy, relaxation, or a sense of contentment?

Taking time for hobbies, interests, and solo activities not only brings fulfillment but also strengthens your sense of independence.

2. Focus on Your Strengths and Capabilities

Remind yourself of your unique qualities, skills, and strengths. Shift the focus from external validation to internal acknowledgment. Try journaling answers to these questions:

What are some qualities or personality traits I like about myself?
What am I good at?
When have I handled challenges successfully in the past?

Reflecting on your abilities builds confidence and reinforces that you’re capable and resourceful.

3. Affirm Your Worth Daily

Many of us unintentionally tie our worth to what we do or achieve. But here’s the truth: You were worthy of love, care, and attention the moment you were born. There’s nothing you need to “earn” to deserve it.

Create a daily practice of affirming your worth. Find a statement that feels true and empowering to you.

Some examples:

“I am worthy just as I am.”
“My value is not tied to what I achieve.”
“I deserve love, respect, and kindness.”

Repeat your chosen affirmation every day—in the mirror, in your journal, or in your mind—to rewire your belief system and nurture your self-worth.

Take Your Journey Further

Remember, self-love isn’t just about feeling good about yourself; it’s about building a healthy, secure relationship with yourself that impacts every other relationship in your life. If you’re ready to dive deeper and create lasting change, consider joining my Women’s Group Therapy Program: The Self-Love Sanctuary.

This group therapy program designed to help you: