Healing the need to earn love

People-pleasing is a habit learned so early in life that many of us can barely remember when it began. It’s not a flaw or a weakness — it’s a survival strategy.

As children, we relied completely on our caregivers for food, safety, and love. If we sensed that their affection or attention could be withdrawn, our nervous systems went into overdrive to ensure we stayed connected.

We learned, often without words, which behaviors brought love and which ones led to rejection or disapproval.

Maybe you discovered that being “the good one” made life easier — getting good grades, being polite, keeping the peace. Over time, that pattern gets wired in: If I make others happy, I’ll be safe. If I express my true needs or emotions, I might lose love.

How People Pleasing Shows Up Today

Fast forward to adulthood, and this protective strategy often plays out in subtle but exhausting ways. You might:

• Say “yes” when you’re dying to say “no,” because you don’t want to disappoint anyone.

• Feel guilty for setting boundaries, worrying others will see you as selfish or unkind.

• Constantly check people’s moods and reactions, trying to keep everyone comfortable.

• Overextend yourself at work or in relationships, then feel resentful or burnt out.

• Struggle to relax because you’re always anticipating what others need from you.

Even though these behaviors come from a kind and loving heart, they leave you feeling empty — like you’re always performing rather than being yourself. The mask gets heavy. You might find yourself wondering, Why do I give so much but still feel unseen or unfulfilled?

Where It Comes From

There are several ways this pattern takes root.For some, it’s a form of codependency — perhaps even beginning in the womb. If your mother was under stress, anxious, or struggling emotionally, you might have absorbed her feelings and unconsciously taken responsibility for her well-being. When your efforts made her happier, love and safety followed. That dynamic can later replay itself in adult relationships, where you feel responsible for your partner’s emotions or peace.

For others, people-pleasing develops as part of the trauma response known as fawning. When faced with emotional or physical threat, the nervous system can go into fight, flight, freeze — or fawn — where we appease others to prevent danger. This might look like walking on eggshells, making light of serious issues, or taking the blame just to keep the peace.

In all these cases, your psyche decided it was safer to be agreeable, kind, and accommodating — even if that meant silencing your own needs.

The Cost

People-pleasing can feel like a silent energy leak. You’re constantly tuning into everyone else’s emotions while neglecting your own.

Over time, it can create a deep inner belief that my needs don’t matter — or worse, I don’t matter.

That belief is heavy to carry. It leads to exhaustion, resentment, emotional disconnection, and a sense of living life on autopilot — always doing, never being.

What You Actually Want

What we truly crave beneath the people-pleasing is inner belonging — the feeling that we are worthy of love and respect simply because we exist.

You want to:

• Feel safe saying “no” without guilt.

• Speak your truth without fear of rejection.

• Set boundaries and still feel loved.

• Feel energized and connected because you’re finally tending to your needs.

• Give to others from a full heart, not from obligation or fear.

This is what happens when we rewire the nervous system for safety, and when we teach the parts of us that learned to earn love that they are already enough.

The Invitation

This is the work we’ll be doing in my upcoming in-person workshop:From People Pleasing to Inner Belonging — Healing the Need to Earn Love.

If you often feel like you need to do more or be more to be loved… this is for you.

If you struggle to set boundaries because guilt floods your system… this is for you.

If you’re tired of always showing up for everyone else and leaving yourself last… this is for you.

What to Expect

In this 2.5-hour workshop, I’ll guide you through a mind-body-soul approach to working with the protective part of you that believes love must be earned. As an integrative psychotherapist, I blend psychology, spirituality, and somatic embodiment to help you heal on every level.

We’ll use:

• Internal Family Systems (IFS) to understand your protective patterns.

• Somatic embodiment to regulate the nervous system and restore safety.

• Psychoeducation and reflection to bring clarity and compassion to your journey.

• Meditation and guided inner work to reconnect you with your true self — the one who is already enough.

You’ll leave this workshop with deep insight into why you developed these patterns, how to work with them compassionately, and tools to create lasting change.

• Relief from emotional exhaustion. You’ll stop feeling like you have to manage everyone else’s moods and start recognizing what’s actually yours to carry.

• Clarity around your needs and desires. Instead of constantly adapting to please others, you’ll reconnect to what you want, need, and feel — and learn to express that openly.

• Freedom from guilt and overgiving. You’ll learn how to give from fullness rather than obligation, and how to let go of the pressure to “keep everyone happy.”

• A renewed sense of self-worth. You’ll remember that your value isn’t tied to how much you do for others — it’s who you are when you’re simply being.

You’ll feel freer to set boundaries with ease, to give from fullness instead of guilt, and to finally belong to yourself. Because when you stop earning love — you start embodying it.

Details:

From People Pleasing to Inner Belonging- healing the need to earn love.

Sunday 23rd November

3-5:30pm

@beyondyogatv.com - Wrightson road, Port of Spain

$300

Register here.